What's MY diagnosis?

i see my headaches rather than feeling them. they're like friends who come to visit...except they visit alot more than my actual friends. i thought, actually, i think about coming out and saying something...but then i think "what's the use?".

no one's listening, anyways. no one cares for longer than 2 mins, and then it's all over and forgotten.

i know i'm not the only one who thinks they're crazy...but these ARE my thoughts, and i DO feel in a certain way...but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter because we don't believe in "personal" or "individual", no no no sir, we believe in "collectivism," for those are the values we've been taught -- "don't think about yourself," she said, "you have to think about others, and what they will think."

well fuck you very much, but i really don't give a damn.

so did i compromise? did i say "fine, if no one's going to give a damn about what i think/say/feel about myself, i'm going to do something where people DO give a damn about what i think/say/feel about THEM!!!"

did i?

*** we will take a brief minute here to ponder over what i just wrote, call it a short epiphany break if you will***

hmm. can you really come into this world from the loins of a people-pleaser and spend your life torn between what you want and what others want of you? i think about morals...our moral obligations. our gendered moralities, womyn seen as serving their moral duty by caring for others, men serving their moral duty by sharing what they achieve through work. gender strategies we develop over the years, a pot-purri of our early experiences, our parents' lifestyle, cultural beliefs and textbook definitions. is that why i am who i am? running away from each aspect of my life like it's the bubonic plague, constantly building and destroying my gender strategies, concepts, roles, and the like.

no self-introspection means "you don't know who you are", "you're lost", "you're confused because you don't know yourself and don't understand why and how you feel"...

well, guess what, too much self-introspection gets you right back to square one too.

life's a bitchy full-circle.

i can't even embrace my neuroticism, my flaws, my obsessiveness, my compuslsions, my inability to just "go with the flow"--- i just stare at them, like i do with my headaches, and wonder how long it'll be before...