...falling apart...

...first day of period, r.a training from 8:30am to 9:00pm, upset stomach, not prepared for g.r.e exam tomorrow, behind on r.a duties, exhaustion, forgot my cell at home the whole day, head-ache, and general discomfort...

i think this has been one of the longest days of my life, and i don't think i can forget how utterly fatigued and shlumpy i feel...where i want to bawl my eyes out but i'm too tired to even shed a tear at my pitiful state of mind, body and soul. i'm hurting, in and out, and i'm dying inside just thinking about my situation. i feel helpless when i shouldn't and i just want to bag it away for a while cus i know i'm equipped to deal with this shit, but this is more a matter of bad timing than bad situation, and if i can store it and then come back to it later, i know i can handle it. although, i must admit, i do commend my sense of humor for staying intact throughout this whole ordeal....ofcourse, they also say that humor is a common form of a defense mechanism (yes, it's times like these where i curse myself for not chosing to be a toll-booth operator instead of a psychologist)....trust me, the last thing u want is having a nervous breakdown and actually KNOWING that it's coming but u wont do anything about it cus hey, u're human, so what if u know psychology better than the average person, and then fighting with urself over whether u should go ahead and have it or be more in charge of ur mental state and stay focused....GOD.

damn inner monologues.

i feel like there r these long strands of strings running from my head to my toes, linking my appendages together, and right now they are all tangled up in this giant string ball meshed with blood and bones and hair and flab, and my eyes r just kinda there but not really seeing. just like my ears r there, but pretty much deaf to everything besides the screaming going on in my head. i paint such pretty pictures, i should've been an artist...of words...which if u think about it, equates to a writer. this summarizes my life pretty well..."complications". yes, i know it summarizes everyone's life, but this is my blog so we'll talk about my life.

if u're a regular reader here, u might think "hey, now we're seeing her usual self again" or "hey, i recognize that tone"...well, too bad, cus i'm anything but myself right now....myself is alot more collected, albeit still sarcastic and sassy, and much less frazzled. i think my body is just mad at me right now, and keeps giving me cramps, which personally i think r worse than getting a kick in the groin, and telling me "STOP FEELING SORRY FOR URSELF, BITCH, AND GET UR ACT TOGETHER OR THIS SHIT IS GONNA COME DOWN HARD!!!" and to be honest, i'm just not gonna take that kinda attitude, so u can just go some place else and fuck urself....oh wait, now "u" is my body, so that's gonna be tough to communicate to.

oh, and f.y.i, tylenol extra strength is pathetic and useless and evidently (if u read the fine print) can cause liver damage...see, this is why i'm anti-drugs...like antidepressants...one of their side-affects IS depression....i mean, WOOHOO....call in the band-wagon, along with the party of hallucinations, head-aches, nausea, and general anxiety....and dont even get me started on birth control....i mean, 4 periods a yr? granted i'm not too thrilled about mine right now, but 10 yrs down the line, don't be surprised if u have uteran cancer or a third breast or extra pair of arms and legs.

ok, so i've gotten it typed out a bit...but not all of it, so it's still lingering...or malingering in this case....


i just hope i make it. it's what we all hope for in the end.