Barely breathing

"What the hell is going on?!" She thought to herself. 

She had developed a new voice in her head that allowed her to scream even louder, until the walls of her brain collapsed into themselves like jelly. 

"This is so fucked up! How can two people play games with each other like this?" She wondered how long she could continue this silent mind battle...it was becoming exhausting.

"Sweetheart, come here," her mother called. "I know that face of yours', where you're thinking really hard about something, now come here and tell me what's going on, why are you so confused?"

"I'm not confused, mother, I'm just..." the words got stuck in her throat. This was hard. Maybe now was a good time to not be a know-it-all? Maybe? "Well, even if I am confused, I'd rather stay in this confusion than find answers that don't make much sense." "There!" she thought, "that ought to shut her up and keep her from giving me hell."

It wasn't quite that easy.

"Well, think about it, isn't having an idea, regardless of whether it's wrong or right in the moment, better than having no clue at all? I mean, can you imagine what life would be like, to be confused?" Such disdain coloring the word "confused". 

The screaming voice in her head was back with a vengeance. 

"You stupid woman, you don't like confusion because you think you have all the answers, you've always had an answer for everything and it's taken me years to finally see what BULLSHIT half of your explanations have been! STOP DELUDING YOURSELF, YOU SELF-INDULGENT COW!"

"Actually mother..." she began tentatively, trying to keep herself from seething, "I used to think the same way, and (this was painful) maybe you're right, but I think I'm going to slow it down and not rush to find answers that may or may not be there. I'd rather try something new, like taking my time, to find answers that make sense to me." 

Uh-oh. She heard that "me" and she pounced in all her glory.

"Oh, you kids these days with your "me me me" and "it's my life", what, have you forgotten where you come from, your values, like learning from others as opposed to making the same mistakes? Why do you think you live in this world alone, isolated from everyone else? Such a selfish generation of insolent..."

The barrage continued, but she had become better at tuning it out by this point. She went further and further inside herself until she reached that little girl that needed soothing. "There, there, you don't need to worry, everything is fine, none of this means anything, you're fine, you're great, you're wonderful, and I'm here for you, I will protect you and keep you safe."

"...and let me tell you, when we were your age, our parents..."

She looked over her mother's wobbling head and out to the window behind her. Such a pleasant summer day...a day to be outside, walking with the breeze kissing her skin...

"...so don't ever forget where you come from!"

Ladies and gentlemen, it was over. Applause.

"Ok mother, anyways, I think I'm going to go outside for a walk, I'll be back in a bit."

"Oh alright, but can you get me a couple things from the store? Your kitchen is running low on a few things, here, let me make a list..."

"Great. My kitchen is not up to her standards. Just like I'll never be."

"...and get some more cleaning supplies too, this place is such a wreck..."

She clutched her bag tightly and shut the door behind her, hurrying to get out before anything else came up. The minute she stepped outside, she realized she had been holding her breath on the way down. She finally allowed herself to breath.