wedged

my mental processes are not so much disrupted as they are re-routed. some cultures have linear thought processes and others have a more circular modality...me, i seem to be caught in the middle and yet no where, i process in every which direction. there's something to be said about being stuck in a moment that you can't get out of...infact, i think there's even a song or two about that.

but this is more than just about being stuck in a moment, this is about just being plain stuck...stuck your whole life, across situations, in every day activities, in earth shattering matters. you're walking, but you're standing still. you're talking but there's nothing to be heard. and because you're stuck, because you can't go anywhere, the movement starts from within and stays there. it's kind of like gnawing your teeth...there's friction that keeps on growing, becoming more and more painful. you are driven to a battle with forces within you due to the dual push-and-pull from external forces.

i remember several years ago in a computer science class we had to design our very first program, which basically consisted of a single object (some kind of bird or something, i forget what it was exactly) and plane it could move on, and the movement was based upon the code we wrote. i think back to it now because the terminology comes back to me...writing a command to get the object facing in the correct direction, moving in the direction you want it to move in, avoiding errors in syntax, etc. such eloquent commands indeed.

there's something to be said about my processes, my connections (external and internal), and my fecundity for life.