april fools

let's just pause here for a minute. clearly, i've made some bad judgements over the past 22 yrs, and a good chunk of the gravest ones in the past 2 weeks. the immediate cause would probably be burn-out, fatigue, being over-worked and not thinking, and also a dash of carelessness.

i wonder how it all fits in within the greater chain of events, or whether these are just meaningless occurences.

i feel like a kid with one of those big heavy-duty erasers sitting in front of a big chart of complexities that is my life. and i'm trying to diligently trying to erase out the unnecessary dramas, doubts, and uncertainty where ever possible. and although i manage to get some of it out, the rest of it just kind of smears over things and looks uneven. and then i go back to the drawing board, trying to draw a strighter line here, a more parallel structure here, and a less crooked formation there.

as i'm staring at all this, i realize there are some things that i didn't put here. i didn't draw those squiggles on the left, i didn't put those shapes next to those lines, and i certainly didn't leave enough room for that giant elephant in the corner.

so i stare at this eraser in my hands, trying to figure out how much damage control i can really do with it, because clearly i'm not the only one who is running the show here. this may be the beginning, the dawning of the idea that my life may just possibly be bigger than i am. yet i DO hold the eraser in my hand, so i won't ignore that fact. but what i do with it, how i use it and where i use it will be more structured than before. and that i can do, because i like structure.