black-out

it was hotter than hot. the steam rose towards the ceiling as beads of sweat dripped down my forehead. i sat there, stewing away, breathing heavily and feeling my heart beat so hard i could almost see the ripples it created in the water. the pain in my back was ebbing in and out, blinding me as i tried to stand up.

i stood with my head against the cool tiles, but my breathing became heavier. my vision started to blur...and i knew it was not because of the water. i felt something heaving inside me, and i momentarily lost my hearing. i couldn't hear the water, or the traffic outside, or my gasping breath.

my eyes were playing tricks on me, and i could no longer stand up straight. i slowly slid to the floor, my back scraping against the wall. i closed my eyes as the water poured over me...






when i opened my eyes, i stared. i had no idea how long i had been down there. i was startled and frightened. my sense of hearing back, i strained to listen to the phone that was ringing continously. i got up on my wobbly legs, stumbled out, my arms flailing to grab something to cover myself, and collapsed halfway on the bed. i lay there, trying to consiously regain my breath, half talking half mumbling to get myself together. i managed to make my way across to the kitchen to get some water. i sat down and tried to focus on something, anything, to make whatever it was i saw in front of my eyes (or perhaps didnt see) dissapear. i felt something stir inside me and rushed to expunge it out.

my thoughts were racing faster than my heart. i had to calm down, but didn't know how. i guess this is what a panic attack feels like.