sing-songs

this is the song that never ends...yes it goes on and on my friends...some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, but they'll just keep on singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Sunshine

"If two people love each other but just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to the point where enough is enough?"

It's times when I am most distressed, when I'm ready to collapse from being tired all the time and just at that brink of going over the edge, that I turn to you....to make me feel better, to hold me up and keep me there. I don't think I truly realize how amazing you are and how unbelievably lucky I am for the life we have and will have together. Meeting our own expectations is a hard enough goal we set for ourselves, but exceeding each others' is a phenomenal task, and the way you sail through beautifully truly takes my breath away at times. Your are my dreams coming true, one by one, my life coming together one step as a time, and our ending won't be "...and they lived happily ever after" but that "....they LIVED."

Happy Birthday, love.



"Never." ~ The Mexican

Monday, August 29, 2005

In the blink of an eye

i had turned the music up to let it fill the air. the sound surrounding us like the pool of water that had hit your skin after a long hot hour of mowing the lawn. we were sitting outside, and i was reminding you that we needed to change the patio furniture; it was starting the rust in some places, and the flower-like patterns had been taken over by years of wear and tear and something fishy that looked like mustard.

you shrugged and turned over. i could understand, u were tired, but sometimes a verbal response would be nice. i turned back to my book and discovered that i could no longer read...the sun had decided to increase its intense glare, and my sunglasses were lying broken in my old purse lost somewhere under the bed. i put it away on the patio table, that was looking at me pitifully and saying "why, why, WHY?!?!?!".

i close my eyes and open them again after three seconds. i dont know why i am feeling restless...my legs are aching from swimming, but i suddenly have some new found energy. i look over at you, lying languidly like our cat Tubby(who looked more like a horse day by day) on the chair...was that a snore? are you snoring despite the music? good god. i walk over quietly and take a peek...and sure enough, there you are, sleeping obliviously in the sultry heat. i playfully poke your stomach - no response. i try again, and you mumble something. i pause to debate whether i should continue torturing you or go get some more iced-tea, and as i turn around to march into the kitchen, your arms grab me around the waist and semi-drag me/push me into the pool.

the water hits us hard, and i come up gasping for air, looking for the big beach ball that was floating around somewhere in the pool so i can hit you with it. you come up from under the water with an impish grin on your face, and start swimming away, but facing me the whole time so that i dont surprise you. i give up looking for the ball (which i see you have cleverly hidden behind your back) and you throw it on to the grass as your gleaming tan body exits the pool steps. i decide to stay in the water for a little longer; the water feels cool in this terrible heat.

you walk into the kitchen and yell that we're out of iced-tea and lemonade...we had had company earlier, and they must've finished it off. i yell back that i'll take coke instead, and then two seconds later follow with "Turn the music down!". "What?" you ask, peering your wet head out of the patio door. "Turn the music down, it's too loud and the last thing we need is Mr.Enamorado complainging about us "young folk" and our antics," i said as i paddled to the pool edge. "Ok," you replied, and walked over to turn down the music. i quietly climbed out of the pool and grabbed the beach ball on my way....

you turned around as i pounded the ball on your head (it bounced off harder than i thought and landed in Mr.Enamorado's back yard) and i yelped and ran into the kitchen as you chased me into the house. we ran in circles around the dining room table a couple times, leaving wet grassy footsteps on the hardwood floor, and i managed to dodge you as i ran upstairs and locked the bathroom door. my heart was pounding from running so fast, and between gasps and giggles, i told you "I win!" as you pounded on the door.

i was in the middle of my victory dance when you opened the bathroom door with the key we kept in the left drawer of the guest room dresser. i stoped and gawked, scheming different escape scenarios as you stepped forward. suddenly the door bell rang, and we both scrambled out of the bathroom giggling like little kids. you managed to put a shirt on and went downstairs as i took out some clean towels out from the closet. "Yeah, uh-huh, sure" i heard your voice travelling upstairs, and an angry voice at the other end...i couldn't make out what the other guy was saying, so i stepped closer to the stairs, and heard you say "I'm so sorry, won't happen again." and then you shut the door. i leaned on the banister, my hair still dripping wet making a small pool of water on the first step, and asked "Who was it?"

you came up, staring at me the whole time with a gleam in your eyes that i recognized instantly and started to step back, asking "Who was it?" again. you jumped up quickly and grabbed me tightly and whispered "You've been a bad girl" in my ear. i tried to push you off with no avail, and asked you for an explanation. you grinned at me and said "Mr.Enamorado tossed our ball back and said that this was the 5th time he had returned it, so don't expect it back the next time." i started laughing and you watched me first and then joined me, shaking your head, small flecks of water dripping down your head. i kissed them, one by one, and felt your arms tighten around my waist again.

i looked up at you and you pressed your mouth on mine, taking in my lower lip...you always liked it more than the top one, you claimed it was "fuller." i let your tongue explore before i pulled away and cocked my head towards the bedroom with a small smile on my lips. you followed my gaze and nuzzled into my neck...and in one swift movement swept me off my feet and carried me on the bed. i laughed, tilting my head back, knowing fully well how much you liked that angle...

a few hours later i woke up to the sound of water running in the bathroom. i went downstairs to the open patio door, the breeze was cooler now, and i stared back at the little bunny who stared at me fixedly, trying to figure out if i was friend or foe. Tubby came and rubbed herself against my legs, and the little bunny hopped back into the bushes. i heard you come down the stairs, and i waited for you to come and hug me from behind. instead i heard the freezer door open. i frowned to myself but stood still. then i felt your bathrobe against my skin, and you slid an ice-cube down my neck all the way to the small of my back.

i turned around and smiled.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

...falling apart...

...first day of period, r.a training from 8:30am to 9:00pm, upset stomach, not prepared for g.r.e exam tomorrow, behind on r.a duties, exhaustion, forgot my cell at home the whole day, head-ache, and general discomfort...

i think this has been one of the longest days of my life, and i don't think i can forget how utterly fatigued and shlumpy i feel...where i want to bawl my eyes out but i'm too tired to even shed a tear at my pitiful state of mind, body and soul. i'm hurting, in and out, and i'm dying inside just thinking about my situation. i feel helpless when i shouldn't and i just want to bag it away for a while cus i know i'm equipped to deal with this shit, but this is more a matter of bad timing than bad situation, and if i can store it and then come back to it later, i know i can handle it. although, i must admit, i do commend my sense of humor for staying intact throughout this whole ordeal....ofcourse, they also say that humor is a common form of a defense mechanism (yes, it's times like these where i curse myself for not chosing to be a toll-booth operator instead of a psychologist)....trust me, the last thing u want is having a nervous breakdown and actually KNOWING that it's coming but u wont do anything about it cus hey, u're human, so what if u know psychology better than the average person, and then fighting with urself over whether u should go ahead and have it or be more in charge of ur mental state and stay focused....GOD.

damn inner monologues.

i feel like there r these long strands of strings running from my head to my toes, linking my appendages together, and right now they are all tangled up in this giant string ball meshed with blood and bones and hair and flab, and my eyes r just kinda there but not really seeing. just like my ears r there, but pretty much deaf to everything besides the screaming going on in my head. i paint such pretty pictures, i should've been an artist...of words...which if u think about it, equates to a writer. this summarizes my life pretty well..."complications". yes, i know it summarizes everyone's life, but this is my blog so we'll talk about my life.

if u're a regular reader here, u might think "hey, now we're seeing her usual self again" or "hey, i recognize that tone"...well, too bad, cus i'm anything but myself right now....myself is alot more collected, albeit still sarcastic and sassy, and much less frazzled. i think my body is just mad at me right now, and keeps giving me cramps, which personally i think r worse than getting a kick in the groin, and telling me "STOP FEELING SORRY FOR URSELF, BITCH, AND GET UR ACT TOGETHER OR THIS SHIT IS GONNA COME DOWN HARD!!!" and to be honest, i'm just not gonna take that kinda attitude, so u can just go some place else and fuck urself....oh wait, now "u" is my body, so that's gonna be tough to communicate to.

oh, and f.y.i, tylenol extra strength is pathetic and useless and evidently (if u read the fine print) can cause liver damage...see, this is why i'm anti-drugs...like antidepressants...one of their side-affects IS depression....i mean, WOOHOO....call in the band-wagon, along with the party of hallucinations, head-aches, nausea, and general anxiety....and dont even get me started on birth control....i mean, 4 periods a yr? granted i'm not too thrilled about mine right now, but 10 yrs down the line, don't be surprised if u have uteran cancer or a third breast or extra pair of arms and legs.

ok, so i've gotten it typed out a bit...but not all of it, so it's still lingering...or malingering in this case....


i just hope i make it. it's what we all hope for in the end.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Graph Paper (Incomplete)

- found this in an old graph paper pad, not dated

Hold on to your silent prayers,
I'll keep your secret faith in the demon goddess's
Magical mystical powers over you
Strange thoughts that wander, lurking under dark forces.

Crying out from shadows deep within,
Tormented by the resistance of your soul,
The mind of a child, in the body of a man
Trying to recover the hold they once stole.

And now you want to break free
And now you want to come with me
What has been hidden from you
What you were never meant to see...

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Fumbling

13:15:05 - the running countdown begins...


i was going to write a blog about the book i read, Marriage Shock by Dalma Heyn, and how she writes really well about how womyn's expectations for themselves change after marriage, how they lose so much of themselves, and it's all due to cultural and social/historical factors blah blah blah....but it's been a couple days and now i forgot all the profound knowledge i had to share. sorry.

but anyways, my summer is over and now i'm going back to new york, lots of things i need to take care of r clouding my mind and make my head hurt everytime i sit down to plan. it's kinda sad, i'm not as excited as i thought i'd be about turning 21.

i think i made alot of unwanted discoveries this summer.