checking in...

i checked into a hotel today...

the doorman smiled at me. he was ever so polite. i smiled back at him as i stumbled in with my suitcases. i brushed the hair off my face as i spoke to the receptionist. she smiled at me too. she told me my room was ready and handed me the keys. i went to the elevator and waited. a tall man with dirty blond hair waited alongside me. *bing*. we walked in, and i wondered if i should make small talk, but he got off at the 4th floor. i finally got to my floor and dragged my suitcases to my room. it was a nice size, not too big but very comfortable. i set my purse on the table and went to look out at the view. it was a deserted parking lot.

i took the time to take off my shoes, my jacket, and my skirt, walked around the room barefoot. i took a peek at the bathroom...it was larger than i had expected. as i ran the bath i heard my cellphone ring. i let my voice mail take care of it. i took the rest of my clothes off, took out my razor and placed it next to the hotel shampoo. the water was nice and warm...and i let myself sink for a while. i heard the cellphone ring again. i played with the razor...the sharp, cool steel against my pruny fingers. i made a cut...not deep enough. i made another, and another, a deeper gash each time, and watched as the color of the water changed. my body went through a metamorphosis, slow tingles went up and down my legs, my arms, until i couldn't feel anything anymore. i felt myself slipping into the water, or rather the water slipping over me. something made a clanging sound, but it sounded so far away. far, far away...so far away...so...far...

sometimes others say it for you....

I'M A WRECK I'M A MESS I'M A SPOT ON THE PAVEMENT
I'M A NUMBER ON THE WALL I'LL MAKE YOU SOUL TIRED
I DON'T THINK I LIKE THIS GAME NO MORE
IT GOES AROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND YOU TAKE IT ONE MORE TIME
ONE MORE TIME

~Feel, Matchbox 20

Stranger than your sympathy....I'm killing myself from the inside out
All my fears have pushed you out

I wish for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
All I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees

Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah
Everything's all wrong yeah
Where the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your sympathyI
take these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself form the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt

Oh yeah it's easy to forget yeah
You choke on the regrets yeah
Who the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your sympathy
All these thoughts you stole form me
I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong

And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel
Before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me
Yeah stranger than your sympathy stranger than
your sympathy

~Sympathy, Goo Goo Dolls

song of a broken heart

"numb" and "shock" seem to go together...like "socks" and "underwear"...

u and i went together once

.
..
...
.....

i'm making patterns, dot patterns, because the patterns in my life broke loose and fucked up the picture i was trying so hard to paint. i feel naked. is naked a synonym for empty?

"bare" and "exposed" go together. but they dont fight to see who's better. i'll use that in a song. i'll use all of it....(nothing ever goes to waste).....in a song. my song...

and i shall sing, for i know not of any other way.

Say a little prayer

*non-fiction

I gave her a dollar
And asked her to pray for my father,
It was something I rather
Consider out of character.

But she stopped me
And asked what was wrong
I told her quickly,
I didn't have very long.

She asked me my name
I gave it to her,
And told her to just pray,
As I hurridly walked away.

Lying on the cold concrete,
I saw her today.
Her clothes torn, her body curled up,
So for her, I now ask you to pray.

A Lesson in Herstory - The Loose-Ended Cloth

I looked up as she stumbled in, her clothes soaking wet from the rain outside. Her hair was matted against her head in big wet clumps, and I could tell she was shivering. Instead of helping her with the big brown grocery bags, I sunk back into the sofa chair and watched as she struggle to keep something green, celery, from what I could tell, from falling out from one of the bags. She heaved the bags on the counter and glanced around the room until she spotted me, sitting where she had left me two hours ago.

"I thought you'd be home. The weather is getting pretty rough outside," she said, taking out a packet of fresh strawberries from the bags. "Are you still working on that?" she asked, motioning with her head to my lap.

I looked down at the tangled mesh, saffron and crimson threads consumating in complex patterns. When I looked up, she had moved from the kitchen and was fiddling with the light switch. "The power went out about an hour ago," I said. "But the good news is that I found this kerosene lamp in the basement," nodding to my right. It was sitting on the window sill, and holding up surprisingly well, considering how hard the windows were rattling from the strong winds.

"Oh, I didn't know we had one. The power has been gone for an hour, you said? Wonderful." She went back to unpacking the groceries. "You know, you shouldn't be working on that in such dim light, it's bad for your eyes..."

She continued lecturing me as she pulled out a bottle of milk and some lemons, oblivious to the annoyed grimace that had taken over my face. I ignored her and touched the soft material in my hands. It had a peculiar feel to it, perhaps due to the inadvertent bumps and knots that I had managed add to the pattern. I touched the loose-ends, wondering how on earth I had managed so many and if I would be able to tie them back together. Would they fit into the pattern? Or should I leave them as they are, a flaw masked under the name of art? I flinched as she shrieked in that high-pitched voice that roused the kitty from under the table.

"Oh my god, look at this mess! I swear, those boys don't know how to package anything...Oh shit, they got on everything," she cried. Evidently the eggs had been at the bottom of one of the bags and brought with them the end of civilization as we knew it. "Quick, hand me the towel before this shit spreads everywhere," she ordered.

I got up and helped her clean it up, as the kitty lapped up whatever had fallen on the floor. Thunder boomed outside, and the wind shrieked through the cracks in the door. We worked silently for the next five minutes, putting everything away. I washed my hands in the sink as she went to examine my work.

"Well, this looks..." I could hear her going through words in her head. I took the material out of her hands.

"Just let me deal with it, ok? I have time and I'll work on it." And with that I sat back in the chair and started sorting out the threads. She left me alone and looked out the window. The rain was coming down hard, and the wind was howling in my ears. I discarded the pattern I had started out with and began working on a new one. It really was hard to see with barely any light, but I continued to struggle, for I couldn't bear leaving it unfinished.

Lightening struck again, and this time the wind knocked open the porch door. She ran to close it, the rain rushing in like an angry uninvited guest. The kitty hid inside the pantry, and I prayed that the kerosene lamp would survive. She locked the door and propped a chair infront of it for good measure, and proceeded to wipe the wet floor with the towel. My lamp survived, and I looked at it almost lovingly before I got back to the weaving.

"When will this end," she wailed. "I'm so sick of the rain. Do you know what time it is?"

It was one of those moments when I already knew before I glanced at my watch. Sure enough, it was 3:15. "Quarter past three, and can you please find your own watch?"

"Fine, fine, I'll go look for it once the power is back. I forgot to ask, did anyone call while I was out?"

I gave a sigh. I knew what her reaction would be to my answer and I was in no mood to deal with her right now. "The phone rang right after you left, but I don't know who it was because by the time I got to it, the line went dead. And incase you didn't notice on your way in, one of the poles was struck by lightening, so I doubt the phones in this area are working."

"What? The phones aren't working? Are you sure?" she scrambled to pick up the reciever. "Let me check...Oh crap!" She slammed it down angrily. "God only knows when this storm is going to end and until then, I'm going to go upstairs and lie down for a bit."

I thanked the lord for bestowing this mercy upon me, and quietly giggled to myself as I heard her swearing up the stairs. I looked over to my sewing box and picked out an apple-green colored thread and began adding a new pattern into the old one. This should work, I convinced myself, this will add a new twist. I worked deligently for about twenty minutes, and I suddenly looked up and realized how quiet it was. The rain had finally stopped. I peered out the window, surveying the damage. Pools of water had gathered all over the front lawn, and the telephone pole was on the ground, the wires still crackling. The clouds had started to move east, and the sun was coming out slowly. I was mesmerized by the scene before my eyes, and the cloth slipped from my hands. I looked down to pick it up and saw that kitty had grabbed the crimson thread in her mouth and was yanking it out.

"No! Go away! Stop!" I yelled frantically, trying to save my work. The kitty jumped up to the window sill, knocked over the kerosene lamp which fell on the floor and set fire to some of the loose-ends. I watched helplessly as it burned up, choking me with the smoke. I looked up the stairs and heard nothing. I walked towards the door as the fire got a hold of the curtains and sent them up in flames. I could hear the kitty pawing at the closed door as I walked out to the drive way. I didn't turn around as the flames engulfed the house, and only looked back once I got to the bus stop.

It was as if my saffron and crimson cloth had covered the entire house. I kept on walking, avoiding the big puddles that were filled with debris. I wondered if the store would be open so I could buy some thread.

Here comes the stormy weather...

how quickly things change...one minute u're having a nervous breakdown, another minute u're on top of the world, but that can only last a mere seconds, before u plummet down to an even WORSE nervous breakdown than the one you had before. sheesh.

i hear alot about hurricane katerina, but frankly all i can think about it this hurricane in my head. tragedy is striking home, as it has been for almost a yr now, and i think i'm next in line. the human mind doesnt actually shut down when under stressful situations, but actually somatisizes some of that stress, meaning it passes it along to various aches and pains (headaches, stomach cramps, joint pain, etc). i think it's funny how i'm trying to impart knowledge in the middle of this blog....talk about mocking your own situation.

to make me feel better (ha ha ha) the ets sent me a gre powerprep cd...with 2 practice tests on it...."we know u fucked up, and even though u're unlikely to succeed in ur next attempt cus U are not who we want in our grad schools and thus we have biased "standardized tests", we'll send u this cd to rub it in ur face".....motherfuckers.

too bad the damn dorm windows only open up about 4 inches....can't even put the 24th floor to some use....or maybe i should go on a diet....