the rainbow effect

like when i walked the streets of new york city, and the sun would shine on the cold pavement as fall came in, the dazzling colors blinding you until you turned and looked elsewhere.

i always look for rainbows when it rains, a childish habbit...or rather, a habbit from childhood. i always wanted to get a closer look, see the colors in a more focused way. for me, rainbows were in the sky, not an optical phenomenon. and how i loved playing with shiny objects in the sun, just to get a glimpse of those colors. crystals are the best, creating a kaleidescope of violet, indigo, blue, green, yellow, orange and red.

the colors mesh with each other, accepting their differences and creating something beautiful. i wonder if rainbows have a smell. what would it be like? perhaps sweet yet citrusy, warm and deep, layered and fresh. and what would it feel like to touch a rainbow? perhaps misty, soft and airy, tingling the fingertips at contact. so...ephemeral.

Do not all charms fly
At the mere touch of cold philosophy?
There was an awful rainbow once in heaven:
We know her woof, her texture; she is given
In the dull catalogue of common things.
Philosophy will clip an Angel's wings,
Conquer all mysteries by rule and line,
Empty the haunted air, and gnomed mine –
Unweave a rainbow

~ John Keats, from "Lamina"

let's turn this up a notch..

anxiety, full of anxiety, festering anxiety, anxiety full, anxiety fostering, anxiety furbishing, fostering anxiety, furbishing anxiety

prodding, probing, bleeding.

it's less like kicking back and more like being kicked in the face.

are you following this?

do you THINK you can follow this? just exactly where do you think this is all coming from, what are YOUR thoughts, lets hear about those, let's just shut everyone up for a minute and listen to what YOU have to say over this uproar

let's play a game. i'll be you and you'll be me and we're going to then pretend to be them. and they are going to fight us cus we're the bad guys. and we can only run around in circles. and we can't work as a team, so it's every person for themself. and we're not allowed to communicate with each other. and we MUST always and always PLAY BY THE RULES.

one of these days, i'm going to come after you and you won't know where to run or what to do. because i've walked all over you before, and i'll walk all over you again. just so i can remind you that you don't run this show, no way, not this time or the next time, this is my turf, so YOU can just kick back and be kicked in the face.

and you WILL enjoy it.

...100

this is my hundredth post. i don't think many people read this blog, so i guess it doesn't really matter what i say in here. but for those of u who do, say hi, say something, and show me that u r here.

thanks,

the singer.

Re-cover

i woke up to the same thoughts, the same feelings, that i went to bed with. when problems are not being resolved, when u keep coughing up the same frustrations and it feels like no matter what you do, u can't seem to get it right, u just feel helpless and confused.

"shit...maybe i should've done/said this instead of that"

i want to be able to reach out, without having to sacrifice myself, my sanity, my temper and my freedom. would that be called "selfish"? i want to help, i'm trying to help, but i can't just forget everything about my own life. when did your life and my life become so separate?

when when when when when

i have to admit that i'm lost, that i don't know what to do to make everything better, partly because there's only so much i can do, there's only so much control i have over circumstances, and partly because i never know what to do with you. i leave u but you want me, i'm there but you dont need me and want to be left alone...it's never good enough. it's never enough. it's never.

it's the years that make it so different, make US so different...and yet i feel that i'm feeling all those thing you keep hidden from everyone, that you keep locked away inside. i'm articulating the words you refuse to speak. but i'm not stealing your words, your wounds, i'm only acknowledging them. because i felt them too, once...and now i recognize them. but you don't see that. just like you'll never see this. because i don't understand? because i fuck things up even more? because i don't know what it's like?

what must it be like to be you...yes i have my own thoughts on that but tell me, in your own words, in your limited vocabulary, what it feels like to be you. we grew up knowing such truths about each other, but now we have assumptions. where do we take them? leave them behind and start afresh oh who am i kidding...

i just really really really wish you would reach out to me, and i wish that when you do, i'll be able to help and know what to do, what to say...rather than going home and crying about things i dont even know.

Wisps of Blue Smoke

*note: to be whispered out loud

Wisps of blue smoke
Whispering my name
Soft, as spider webs
In a haze of misty rain

Surrendering to the surreal
Like jelly-fish swimming on the sands
Casscading over the shore
As the water waves soared

Splashing to the ground
Something slipped from the skies
I turned over quickly
It stung me by surprise

The simmering sun
Gave way to starry nights
Springing into darkness
Disappearing from sight

Creeping steadily
Still sounding distant
As each second passed
Burying me deeper in the grass

Chills down my spine
Blood rushing through my veins
Wisps of blue smoke
Whispering my name

maybe...amybe

procrastinating at work...ah...now that's more i like it. wasting time, getting better of "the man"...and not just any man, but the OLD WHITE MAN...yes, i said it, u read it.

thank god it stopped raining, or i was gonna shoot myself...seriously, it was getting pretty bad.

i'm trying to recover some lost ties...with apprehension but some hope...i dont know what to expect, so i'm relying more on my gut instinct than usual. please dont dissapoint me, u did enough of that already.

my GOD...i'm going to throw my mind in a frenzy for the next 4/5 years!!! aaaaaaaggggggghhh!!!!!!!!! i really do feel this way, i mean, it's only been a week of classes and already i've gone into introspective mode...this psy.d is going to rattle me from inside out...which is good, but a scary place to be in...one minute u're making fried eggs, and the next minute u get some insight as to why u became so emotional after the age of 16. it's like a "click" in your head. a loud one. which may or may not lead to another series of smaller "clicks".

i have to come up with a plan (see, see, some habits never seem to leave me)...several plans, actually....financial, educational (that in itself is like, 5 plans, but whatever), and maybe figure out a way to live in the city in peace without being told to come home every goddamn weekend. that last one is the most difficult. truth hurts...yes, i said it, u read it.

i feel like i'm entering my life with one foot through the door, and the other one shackled outside to several heavy sacks labeled "issues".

musings of a sick child

i'm very sick...not sick enough to write out a will (as if i have anything to give...u dont get much broke than a grad student living in the city)...but sick enough to make me irritated and nauseated and fed-up.

why is love a bug? like the common cold....u catch it so easily...i know people who go out there looking for love, but i dont think i've come across anyone who was looking for the flu. love as a sickness, an illness, must need a cure, no? and what would that be...heartbreak? but there are all kinds of love...i love her, but not the way i love him, which is not the way i love u. so we dont even know what we're dealing with anymore, except we just know that it's there. it's tangible because we can feel "it"....something....the rosy feelings....

someone once said to me the following:

"i don't want to find someone. does that surprise you?
i don't particularly feel like making the effort..because
i think deep down i know that when and if thats destined
to happen, it'll happen, and it won't be a result of any
perceptable effort, it won't be a result of some cunning
plan. so i don't let it bother me, so much."

and it really wasn't...and i was happy for them because it did happen....some of us make do without planning and some of us...well, we plan....and things turned out ok at first because they went according to plan...but then we found ourselves in something much deeper, something much more than *shall i dare say it* EXPECTED...

i crave for nonchalance

i feel like i'm contaminating everything

i want to find my destined mold and fold into it already

my self-directed therapeutic interventions are making me nervous.

in-s-pi-ra-ti-on

i thought my whole life, i knew what that word meant. hell, most of the time i thought i WAS that word. not so much anymore, though. are we supposed to seek inspiration from within, or from others? if we seek it from others, then who will we inspire? or is inspiration another one of those abstract concepts that's only god-given or whatever...u know, u're walking back home and u see something trivial, like a weed sticking out from the cracks in the sidewalk, and all of a sudden u're inspired to...i dont know...plant more flowers in your garden?

i dont even know why anyone should bother to even talk about inspiration anymore...i mean, seriously, who has the time? the last time i felt inspired was on a plane ride from new york back to chicago, probably cus i had nothing else to do but wait. and think.

so let's go back and talk about the days where all we had was time. see, now THAT i can recall, being inspired as a child...from parents, teachers and friends to extended family, nature, books, colors, smells....it was like a pot-pourri of inspiration right under our very own noses! oh, and how i would dream then...and the songs, they would flow with such ease, one after the other, their compositions in my head before i even got around to jotting them down...*sigh*

funny how lack of inspiration inspired me to blog...who knows, maybe my un-inspiration can inspire someone else to do something too.