chutney mix

i wonder if there is something inherent in human nature that makes us flock towards home when we feel a sense of closure looking upon us. closure of a relationship, closure of a developmental stage, closure of yet another chapter in our lives. it's the search for compassion, for something new and yet unfamiliar, that keeps us from leaving completly. bonds, ties we can never cut loose, like a complex wreath or an invisible umbilical cord.

gaya, gaia*, where is she now? is she going to fold and unfold upon herself until she can wipe us out and then start anew? my mother, she is our mother...and she's calling upon us, crying for the damage we have inflicted. it's a sense of closure that will have us pay a price larger than ourselves.

*The Gaia hypothesis is an ecological hypothesis that proposes that living and nonliving parts of the earth are viewed as a complex interacting system that can be thought of as a single organism. Named after the Greek earth Goddess, this hypothesis postulates that all living things have a regulatory effect on the Earth's environment that promotes life overall.

black-out

it was hotter than hot. the steam rose towards the ceiling as beads of sweat dripped down my forehead. i sat there, stewing away, breathing heavily and feeling my heart beat so hard i could almost see the ripples it created in the water. the pain in my back was ebbing in and out, blinding me as i tried to stand up.

i stood with my head against the cool tiles, but my breathing became heavier. my vision started to blur...and i knew it was not because of the water. i felt something heaving inside me, and i momentarily lost my hearing. i couldn't hear the water, or the traffic outside, or my gasping breath.

my eyes were playing tricks on me, and i could no longer stand up straight. i slowly slid to the floor, my back scraping against the wall. i closed my eyes as the water poured over me...






when i opened my eyes, i stared. i had no idea how long i had been down there. i was startled and frightened. my sense of hearing back, i strained to listen to the phone that was ringing continously. i got up on my wobbly legs, stumbled out, my arms flailing to grab something to cover myself, and collapsed halfway on the bed. i lay there, trying to consiously regain my breath, half talking half mumbling to get myself together. i managed to make my way across to the kitchen to get some water. i sat down and tried to focus on something, anything, to make whatever it was i saw in front of my eyes (or perhaps didnt see) dissapear. i felt something stir inside me and rushed to expunge it out.

my thoughts were racing faster than my heart. i had to calm down, but didn't know how. i guess this is what a panic attack feels like.

april fools

let's just pause here for a minute. clearly, i've made some bad judgements over the past 22 yrs, and a good chunk of the gravest ones in the past 2 weeks. the immediate cause would probably be burn-out, fatigue, being over-worked and not thinking, and also a dash of carelessness.

i wonder how it all fits in within the greater chain of events, or whether these are just meaningless occurences.

i feel like a kid with one of those big heavy-duty erasers sitting in front of a big chart of complexities that is my life. and i'm trying to diligently trying to erase out the unnecessary dramas, doubts, and uncertainty where ever possible. and although i manage to get some of it out, the rest of it just kind of smears over things and looks uneven. and then i go back to the drawing board, trying to draw a strighter line here, a more parallel structure here, and a less crooked formation there.

as i'm staring at all this, i realize there are some things that i didn't put here. i didn't draw those squiggles on the left, i didn't put those shapes next to those lines, and i certainly didn't leave enough room for that giant elephant in the corner.

so i stare at this eraser in my hands, trying to figure out how much damage control i can really do with it, because clearly i'm not the only one who is running the show here. this may be the beginning, the dawning of the idea that my life may just possibly be bigger than i am. yet i DO hold the eraser in my hand, so i won't ignore that fact. but what i do with it, how i use it and where i use it will be more structured than before. and that i can do, because i like structure.