Rhythmic Circles

we can only understand what we are shown

i see you looking at me
but i turn away still

this rain is scalding
it burns my skin

you can keep looking, if you want
but i won't stop until i have my fill

i devour you with my mind
and shrug it off without giving it much thought

it's getting colder in here
and it's harder to breathe

shivers run up and down my spine
you push the dagger in from behind

the blood runs down my bare legs
as i stand in a pool of red

i dont need you so much
as i want to have you

we can only understand what we are shown
how was i supposed to know my anxiety would grow

i'll take a chance, turn around
and push you back into your corner

i pull the dagger our of my back and hold the blade
glistening with my blood, against your throat

we can only understand what we are shown
how was i supposed to know my hearts' racing would grow

and now i feel your heart racing
and i hold the dagger closer still

you feel your blood pounding
like the African drum, pulsating

we can only understand what we are shown
how was i supposed to know this nightmare would be so

you crouch down and you cower
my dagger follows your every move

you give me one last look
with a tear and a goodbye

the dagger has done its job
it falls to the ground, stained.

Full thoughts on an empty stomach

i will meet you in some place where the light lends itself to soft repose

*sigh*

can i just take it all in, lie back, and feel it for what it is?
or would you rather i turn around and let you have your way?

i'm feeling it everywhere, with each molecule...each atom...
*smile*
living just a fantasy


so many things i'd like to do
who is she? what do you think of her?
that's what i would like to know

walk away from life as you know it and discover living

*whisper* it'll all be ok

now, in this moment

this smoke fills me...breathe in breath out
i can hear sounds
they come in some nice casual clothing
concentrate
it does something
witch crafts and matches
it all makes sense now.
enchanted smells and fairy tale spells
a green puff floats away in the air
walk towards the beach in my dreams
the sun on my skin, the wind in my hair.
suck it in, through and through
the magnificance of it all lies heavily in my chest
coy and cunning, stumbling yet stunning
you, my friend, are at best
now, in this moment,
mine.

...8:21pm

this just hit me:

i might be irreprably and irreversibly screwed up.

An Ode to PJ

pj was my cat...and i miss him...my driver got him for me when i was in 7th grade, he was only about 3 weeks old then and his mother had died...stayed with me for 1 and half yrs....during that time he grew into a lazy cat that always made me happy, no matter how crappy my life was during those years. he was a domestic cat, no special breed, white with light brown patches...even my father took to him, mr. no-pets-in-the-house....my mother wasn't too overjoyed when he decided to used the mattress under her bed everytime he had an upset stomach...atleast it was better then my school bag...i remember having to look at that pink and yellow bag and pj's artwork in there....now it's just funny. me and him had a very open communication...i knew what he wanted, he knew what i was thinking...i would pat my stomach and he would jump on it and get ready for a belly-rub...i could feel him purr when i scratched him behind his ears...and even though a part of him hated me for giving him baths, i think he was happy with me. i watched him grow and he watched me...i thought i lost him for a while when we moved into a new house...he kept running away, and then one time he was gone for a month...and then one night we were sitting at the dinner table, clearing up, when i heard a "meow" from the terrace...and i recognized it and ran towards him...he was soiled and had wet cement lodged in his mouth, but i didnt care, i hugged him weeping with joy...even my family was overjoyed...i took care of him and fed him right, he had become very weak, but regained his strength soon enough. i used to watch him flirt with this black cat next door...i think they were lovers. when my father told me we were moving abroad, i was insistent that we take pj along too...he was part of the family, my baby, and i couldn't leave him. but there was nothing i could do, so we moved out to stay with my aunt in her apartment for a while and pj would roam around outside and then come back to her place for food...but then he started coming back less often...and then one day just never returned. these apartments were close to where my driver lived, where he was born, and i imagine he found his brothers and sisters, and maybe started a family of his own. he was the greatest cat one could ever have.

homesickness

a vivid memory of a faint song she sang to me running her hands over my head her smell so deliciously familiar and her heart beating loudly in my ear cuddling up all in one bed fighting for the pillows the blanket the space who gets to lie down with whom "he's mine and she's mine too!" you can have them both as long as i get all of you asking me to hold the dryer for his hair without his glasses on and with his eyes squinting underneath his hair he looked so cute soapy smells i would gladly breathe everyday for tug-of-war always tug-of-war with her we provoke each other if only she knew i would give everything to her in a heartbeat they all live in me i love surprising her the most at night when she's alone and she knows i'm up to something so i'll hide behind the wall and wait for her to come out and then YELL out and she'll scream and then laugh and then he'll get angry at us for waking him up but we'll giggle on our way out anyways sometimes i'll hide behind the door or in a corner and wait and wait and wait because i'm always waiting for her to come to me i guess i get caught up in another tug-of-war with them too and that one just tears me apart and drives me up the wall because i get sick of being told how bad and unfair he has been and she has been it's fucking enough already deal with it cus i refuse to acknowledge this shit i want to have peace of mind i always give her a piece of my mind and sometimes i kind of feel bad because she tries to see my point of view but it's hard for her to step out of it she's alot more impressionable than she thinks she is just like her but no one wants to say that about themselves the passage of time is so wierd there's no set pattern yet we look for one anyways maybe we should allow ourselves to be what we are and feel whatever it is that we feel and it'll all be ok

i love this song

A Warning Sign

A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses

Come on in, I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so

A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realised
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover

Come on in,
I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

And the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
I miss you so
And I’m tired
I should not have let you go

So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms.

~Coldplay

2000-2003

here are some items i dug up from a couple years ago...


Dreams Upon a Frozen Sky

Blue, icy swirls,
Dancing in my head,
Piercing blue icicles,
Stabbing me in my bed.
Sapphire colored circles,
Rotating me, rotating my mind,
Cobalt beads falling out of my hands,
Cascading around me, leaving a part of me behind.
I twist and turn, in this indigo haze,
Which envelops me within its embrace,
And I lose my self to this azure hell,
That lures me, fastens me within its glacial shell...
It won't let go.


Caustic love

Prolific pain purges through my veins,
I feel it, felt it, felt you,
Standing behind me, breathing down my neck
Asking me, again and again, will you?
Will you come with me?
Will you hold me, when it's dark and cold
and lonely?
Will you be there when I wake up,
With sweat dripping down my face,
My heart racing, pulsating,
faster and faster,
Till the world drops from beneath my feet,
And we are flung across the vast space we
call the universe?
And I turn around, hold you close, hold you
in my arms,
And tell you that it will be ok, as long as
your heart beats next to mine.


Nirvana

I hear your words, surging through me,
Searching for that little trigger,
Searching for that little push,
That sends me falling back into no one's arms.
My body quivers, shakes uncontrollably
With your power pitched by your voice,
I sway, I hang, I fall....
into your abyss.

Oblivion

Today I know nothing
Today I realized that I am empty
For today is the day I liberate my soul
And offer it to you along with my heart.

Blood around me fades away to a mist that
Calls out my name, over and over,
The haunting echo, quaking my core,
I’m lost in my dreams, tell me it’s over now

Won’t you guide me, though I’m beyond your guidance,
Help me face myself, the image in the mirror
Trapped inside is someone, who was once good
Born away from this bloodshed, away from this terror.

Glazed over an innocent past are the lies embedded in my skin,
Rushing through my veins is the venom from you words within,
That sprung forth like an adder’s forked tongue,
My head lolls to the side, my body numb.

I don’t know anything no more,
The truth is this that it’s all lies,
The fake is real the real is fake,
Am I still dreaming or am I awake.

Your day

Blades of grass crush beneath my hands
As I gaze over the vast lush lands
Of times long ago when I was a mere child
So I stare at the sky trying to understand.

Grace is pure when the wind is true,
Let it go, and see if it comes back to you.
Try to see my point of view,
The skies go back from gray to blue.

Same old story not much to say,
Self-discovery is off a long way,
Look at me I’m taking it slow today
Come tomorrow and I’ll show u the way.
Same old story nothing left to say,
Life goes on it’s up to you to fade,
The damp abyss will soon go away,
Time to rejoice, this is your day.

Cross-roads will confuse the mind,
What lies ahead is up for you to find.
Tear it down, crawl your way out.
Chew it up as the thoughts begin to grind.

Dreams symbolize the potential to succeed,
So choose between your passion verses your greed,
Don’t rely on others to dictate,
Let time take it’s toll, allow your heart to lead.

Same old story not much to say,
Self-discovery is off a long way,
Look at me I’m taking it slow today
Come tomorrow and I’ll show u the way.
Same old story nothing left to say,
Life goes on it’s up to you to fade,
The damp abyss will soon go away,
Time to rejoice, this is your day.

Your day is in your hands
Time for me to leave, time for you to understand
That this is where you are set free
The shadows disappear so you can command.

Illusions

A fake sun beams it’s light through the curtains.
The smell of artificial strawberries surrounds the room.
I’m caught in this rectangular plastic box.
The wax-like flowers are in full bloom.

The serenity here is like no place near and the only thing I fear is myself.
So I clean up my mess and try to regress and put back my memories on the bookshelf.

The shadows around me throw me off.
Meditation no longer encumbers my mind.
The hard heart I once had is now turning soft,
Like a lit candle that’s been burning for some time.
The silence envelops me within its embrace.
And I won’t care if the sun doesn’t shine.
As long as I wake up right next to your face.
My hand in yours, your hand in mine.

There’s something out there that’s calling out to me.
But I’m not entirely sure of what it is.
To tell you the truth it’s scaring me.
Do I dare surrender myself to the possibility of eternal bliss?

The possibility here is only mere but I have nothing to fear except my soul.
So I offer myself to you, there’s nothing more to do, I’ll set the table for two and let destiny unfold.

The shadows around me throw me off.
Meditation no longer encumbers my mind.
The hard heart I once had is now turning soft,
Like a lit candle that’s been burning for some time.
The silence envelops me within its embrace.
And I won’t care if the sun doesn’t shine.
As long as I wake up right next to your face.
My hand in yours, your hand in mine.

Do you feel my heart beating?
Do you feel my breath lingering in your ear?
Do you feel my kiss on your lips
Even though I’m no longer there.

Do you feel my inner glow?
Do you feel my hair intertwined with yours?
Do you feel my presence
Though I hide behind closed doors?

"There are no lesbians here"

"...berdache, derived from a Persian word meaning "kept boy" or "male prostitute" and first applied by French explorers to designate "passive" partners in homosexual relationships between Native American males" ~ Midnight Sun 1988

Berdache also derived from Persian, meaning "patience" in Urdu...

connections, anyone?

(Untitled)

can you see my scars?
or do i hide them well?
can you see the marks of time
left behind on my skin?

i try not to peel at the scab
those wounds won't heal
it's just something that visits me
in the lonliest hours of the night.

can you see my scars?
don't try to touch them
no force on earth can wipe them away
like the dried up tears on my face, they are here to stay.

i don't want to think about the hurt
i don't want to think about the hurt
i don't want to think about the hurt
i don't want to think about the hurt...

can you see my scars?
i'll give them to you if you come any closer
i don't want anyone to see
the pain that has been unleashed upon me.

there are boils and there are gashes
there are red marks and there are scratches
and i hide them so well, i do
i can have anyone fooled.

but i don't want to think about the hurt
no i don't want to think about the hurt
the hurt is so bad
the hurt is so sad
no i don't want to think about the hurt.

my philosophies

here's a list of things i believe in...it's a work in progress

it's never too late

forget it when necessary

looking at plants and flowers is therapeutic

playing with animals always makes you feel better

you can't always be true to yourself, but you should always try and be willing to improve

if you need to run away, run to the toilet...you can be completely isolated and no one will bother questioning why you're there

if it feels wrong, dont ignore it

simplify, simplify, simplify

forgive, but dont forget....it ain't gonna happen...

if you've been with someone long enough, you can tell what they're trying to hide by the way they try to hide it

it's perfectly ok to give in to your childish impulses

if you can be naked, be naked

take the headphones off and just listen to the wind

smell everything

when in trouble, have chocolate

when in pain, have chocolate

when in doubt, have chocolate

learn to love yourself before it's made illegal (courtesy of Incubus, "Warning")

arrive in style

spend some quality time with yourself

don't let schoolwork get in the way of a good education

Who's you furry friend?

Who's your furry friend?
Why, I don't think I've been properly introduced!
I do apologize profusely for my behavior the other night...
I just don't know what got in to me....*oh my, a revelation!*

Who's your furry friend?
I believe we've met before.
yes, perhaps in another lifetime.

Who's your furry friend?
How ever so eloquent you are!
My, my, he seems to have your eyes and my charm
Perhaps we should take him into the parlour...?

Who's your furry friend?
Would you like something to drink?
Would you like me to strip you of your dignity?
Perhaps we really should take him into the parlour.

Who's your furry friend?
And what is that awfully dreadful smell?
Is it your burning flesh?
I see you have been in the parlour...

Not All Me

Not All Me

I wear their face on top of my face
I am the perfect target screen for your blindly-fueled rage

I bear the brunt of your long-buried pain
I don't mind helping you out but I want you to remember my name

It's not all me
It's not all my fault
I may remind you
But I won't take it all on

past-riddled rage I see the buttons I engage
with my dignity in place I'm all too happy to assuage

It's not all me
It's not all my fault
I may remind you
But I won't take it all on

Lest I find my voice find the strength to stand up to you
Lest I state my limit and take on only what is mine to

We are a team I'm here to help mend and re-seam
All I trigger unknowingly a job I hold in high esteem

It's not all me
It's not all my fault
I may remind you
But I won't take it all on
I'll take only some of it

Alanis Morissette

9:13

silent and still
whiskers on kittens
beads
fields of gold
the ring bearer
sigh of relief
*hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm* (the air-conditioner)
*splish splash splosh* from the kitchen
the oven
baking
powder
soda
pop
goes the weasel
mongoose
snake charmer
frigidity
humidity
copernicus
trout
drain
whistle while you work
conversations overheard
thoughts ignored
fleets
platoons
pakhtoon
pathans
*shudder*
monocular vision
tying shoe-laces
the show must go on
Freudian slips
signals and signal detection theory
conspiracy theory
*tap tap*
we follow and we break down
rejuvination
guide
the flaming torch
that's enough
for now.