A Lesson in Herstory - The Lion(ness) Tamer

They watched from several thousand feet in the air as the cheers from the crowds grew louder and louder. After each act, they wanted more, tired of waiting, their anticipation growing to the point of frustration and beyond. I looked at them with disgust, this crowd, this filth...who were they to demand this and that, who ordained them to have their needs met, why were they here? I paced back and forth with these questions...

"Are you ready?" he asked

"There's never a time to be ready," I replied.

"Then it's always the right time."

We looked at each other guardedly...something in his eyes told me he was lost and confused...but I could not answer when he himself didn't know the question. I've travelled alot in my years, and there's an exotic air about me that very few can get a whiff of.

In the past I had had many roles to play, sometimes the center of attention while other times cast aside...but if I were to describe how I had "always" been, I would not have an accurate description, because there's never an "always"...just like there's never a "never."

"She always gets what she wants," I heard her say once. I was so amazed at this absurdity that I forgot to respond. There are so many things wrong with that statement I probably wouldn't even know where to begin. How can one always get what one always wants when one doesn't always KNOW what they want?

I continue to pace in this tiny space.

I thought, or assumed rather, than there was a natural order to things...life was simpler in black and white; there are wrongs and there are rights and MOST MOST MOST importantly, there are clear lines between the two. Not so much now.

"They are waiting, you know, they have every right to be here and you're doing a dis-service to them and to yourself by making them wait like this," he cried as he came in, fretting about as usual.

"She's not ready," he assumed as usual.

"Funny, I don't recall saying that," I curtly replied to them.

"Look, this is what we do, this is how life goes, so will you please stop delaying your act?"

"My act? Is it just an act? Is it a scene out of a play, is it a duty I must perform? And if not for myself, then who is it all for?"

They looked at me, dumbfounded. He mostly stared at the ground while he looked around and huffed and puffed. I had not fathomed such lucid stupidity.

I think he told him to leave because when I turned around, he had left. I stared at him, perhaps for the first time realizing that there was a barrier here, and he was on the other side of it. He spoke to me in a different tone, as if a different tone can change the meaning of his words.

"You know what's to come, no one can run away from the inevitable....somethings are the way they are, and no one had control because it's not about having control, it's about destiny. It's about the way we are, our very nature, it's our very essence."

"How pellucid...how very entertaining, pehaps they would prefer to hear your monologue instead?"

He looked at me, still not seeing me. I heard once that there are two types of women in this world, with curly hair and with straight hair...and curly cannot at the root become straight.

"What do you want me to say?" he ended up asking in typical fashion.

"Nothing." And it was true. I didn't want him to say anything because I didn't want to hear anything. I didn't want to hear the verbal vomit of the crowd outside, I didn't want to hear him plead, and I didn't want to hear anything except the roar that was echoing inside me.

All the noise is deafening. The spot lights are bright, burning my face. I want to turn them away and cool off in the darkness. I am wild, and need to run free.

give me a reason

...was when i was young and we didn't give a damn...i'll forget the day's gone by

is it the sun blinding my eyes or is it the guilt that looms over me like my very own shadow?

i keep searching for the tracks i thought i left on the way here, but a sweeping motion of your hand seems to have wiped them away. not a smart move, because now i'll have to walk a different path...and who knows where it will take me?

question, questioning you

it's a crass way to go. i feel like a wadded ball of paper that will never be fully straightened out. so what's a girl like me to do?

there's something about the air tonight, something about the way i was stared at, something about the way i touched myself, something about the way i scorn you today, something about the way my heart raced when i thought of your ugly face...

or was that my own reflection?

question, questioning me

i'm on the run now, running from you, running from them, running from who i thought i was.

inseperation-insipiration-inspiration

ssssssssssstrummin

ssssssstrummin his guitar. i am sinking in his silence. in this silence i believe. she walks by, so beautiful and magnificent, so stately, such magnificence. it comforts me, this silence. such heavenly sense of wonder.

when the rage in me subsides. come here, to me, come here and spend this silence with me. i have seen u, in this silence. play those notes for me, let me sing them for you, one two three

my fingers ache to play your song. your mystery, it builds the silence around me. come now, to me, come and hush.

i'll push u away.

let it fall, let me fall, just surrender. fall into the silence, into the abyss, into into into

strip away the uglyness, strip away your soul your mind just strip...and strumm...

such sweet melodies in the silence. so tender, so sweet, touching my skin, geting underneath the core, seeping in note by note, succulent and rich, succinct and soft, like my butter-silk skin. sways like the samba, passing me by. so sadly, so serene. silence. quiet like the still waters, deep as the sea. pulling me in, this silent embrace, mi peinso en este silencio...encumbers me with its flood of serpent-like haze. poema dolce.

lexographer, lexicographer, grapherlexic, pherlexicgra

im not a master of words, not exactly one of those word-whiz types...i read alot, more than the average person i assume, strong vocab, trying to keep it simple, have that artistic flair for poetry but it's not too well developed. i think it's really hard to say what u mean when u think about th language(s) we speak. there r words in one language that cannot be translated to another, there are emotions and feelings and states of mind that no words can capture, articulate or even begin to express the who, how, where, why, and whens...

language can be sexist and racist, language can cut through boundaries and put up walls, yet how fundamental are words for communication...and CLEAR communication.

now there's a thought..."clear" communication...what does it mean to have those two words together in a sentence. can we really have communication between two entities that is clear? for humans in particular, who r so prone to making their own interpretations, how can we achieve such a task without brainwashing each other first? and ofcourse, there's always the assidous effort involved in trying to communicate clearly with the opposite sex...there may be words coming out of your mouth, but the other person may be looking at body language, or you may be inflecting your words but the other person might as well be tone deaf. leaves little room for sarcasm, for joking, for flirting, for teasing...because if we don't communicate CLEARLY, we are misread, misheard, mistaken for something we are not.

i'm a lexographer**...but it's a joke...there's no such thing

**A lexicographer is a person devoted to the study of lexicography, especially an author of a dictionary.

to put out

i wasn't going to put this here...i wasn't sure where to put it to begin with. sometimes, in the middle of trying to organize my life i put u in the wrong place and at the wrong time and lost you. although much time has passed i still feel like there is something brewing in me, in a little corner, than remains unresolved. i'm in desperate need of a resolution, without it, i fear i can't go on. i put u aside, on hold, while i tried to sort things out for myself. i couldn't put u in the center, it's not where u belonged...but u didn't see it that way. somethings don't work out the way we want them to...because there are so many others factors that come into play with out us knowing. we can choose to remain aloof, or accept it and move on. pieces of me still live within u, just like i put your pieces in me, and they come to haunt me when i'm least aware of it.

there's something profound, something..i can't put my finger on..and not having you around to complete it fills me with an overwhelming sense of...loss. i dont cut ties...but with you, they became tangled up and then loose and now...and now we stand facing each other, but u look away. there's a hurt in you, but there's a hurt in me too. it doesn't matter who put it there. because right now, i'm here...and so are you...and there is a reason, there MUST be a reason, i KNOW there's a reason why someone put both of us here.

very well, then

i think i stood up too quickly, because the right side of my head, towards the back, felt like something hard had just slammed into it...the pain went shooting through my skull and i froze, unable to move, just standing there hoping it would ebb away.

it was such an odd sensation to lie there for hours, not moving...just lying there as the skies outside changed with the passage of time. i realized i had forgotten what it feels like to halt yourself as the day passes you by. not part of my routine, where it's a race to see how much you can do and how fast you can do it.

i rarely have trouble waking up, never hit the snooze button, always up with the first sound of the alarm...never wasting any time. but there, right in that split of a second when the sound touches my ears and my brain processes it, i feel it then. it's tiny, lasting only a mere mini-moment if u will, but it's there...the feeling...dreading to get up...to open my eyes and start the daily show...and then POOF just like that, it's gone...forced out by "logic" and "pragmaticism"

there's a push as the winds change on me, a sense of impending ...i keep pulling the layers apart trying to discern a clearer picture from these feeble threads but i fear of delving too deep and getting myself tangled in the knots, the mesh of it all wrapping itself around me like a widow's web, weaving me into it's wrath.

very well, then.